Blog #173--Senior Wisdom Has Value

My mother cultivated friendships throughout her life. She kept in touch with both family and friends, even when they had mistreated her previously. She also gained a great deal of respect from many years of teaching English to middle school and high school students. But when she needed friends most, they weren’t there for her.

As a species, we are in denial about our limited lifespans. When we are healthy and active, other people are happy to know us. But when we show inevitable signs of aging, we suddenly become outcasts. When my mother lost her hair and what was left of her beauty while undergoing chemotherapy for cancer, her friends abandoned her. She had become somewhat paranoid due to all the pain she experienced, but she was more in need of friendship and support at that time than ever before in her life. All but one of her friends stopped visiting and calling. And even her best friend spent less time with her.

I am starting to see the same thing happening to me. As an independent loner, I have never needed many friends. But I tried hard to nurture those I did have. Most recently, I met a man three years my junior while playing golf one day. We hit it off and began playing together once every couple weeks or so. His business interests took him out of town frequently, so we got together when he was in town. We met for lunch on a similar schedule during winter months.

I made a concerted effort to text him during his time away. I bought a copy of my book “It’s a Secret, So Pass It On: a Toolbox For Life” and gave it to him as a gift. He had asked me to give him something to remember him by since my medical prognosis was not good, and my book is a reflection of who I am. I assumed we would remain close since he always made a big point of claiming I was one of his best friends.

But now that I am less mobile and can no longer play golf, I have not heard from him except in response to my texts. Each time, he says we will get together in a week or two, but he never calls. He hasn’t yet begun to recognize signs of his own aging, but my guess is he didn’t want to see me in a weakened condition. That is likely one of the major reasons people neglect their friends during their slow but inevitable decline, besides their denial about their own guaranteed deaths.

Like most everyone else, I wasn’t thinking about old age and death when I was young. Seeking a career and starting my own family were my predominant goals. Watching my mother and grandmother go through the aging process made me face facts since I was the only one around to look after them. We may not be able to help our elders with their medical needs, but their minds may still be quite active and need activities to prevent boredom. Lost hope is a major negative factor for older people; treating them like they still have value goes a long way toward improving their immune systems and keeping them thinking positively.

Yes, there are times when we are inconvenienced by their needs. If they live long enough, they may require diapers, wheelchairs, oxygen tanks or other supportive devices. But leaving them alone in a nursing home or small room can feel like being in prison to them. Simply taking them out for lunch or dinner on a regular basis would be a good start.

They will undoubtedly suffer from short term memory loss, but their long-term memories may still be substantial. I can’t count how many times I wish I had asked my elders about other family members and their own lives. But I didn’t think of those things when they were alive. Our elders can teach us so much about how life works and how they found ways of overcoming problems we are facing or might face in the future.

Some older people are highly educated and have developed a synthesis of understanding that might be quite profound. But the younger generations, those for whom all the advertisers devote their time and attention, usually think they know everything and don’t want advice from their elders. They mentally dump older people into an invisible garbage pile, assuming they have nothing worth sharing.

Young people today laugh at us older folk for being less interested in cell phone technology, social media and the like, but we survived quite well without those things. They may someday need our expertise, especially if their world collapses due to mismanagement, excessive greed or other possible catastrophes both man-made and natural.

Simple things like cursive writing and doing math by hand or slide rule are foreign to many young people today. They may someday need to read handwritten notes from experts who have solutions to their problems but are unable to do so. Or they may be lost without their calculators to do their work for them. These are just two of many examples of how letting go of past knowledge in favor of new knowledge can backfire on us.

That is why we should be more aware of the gifts some elderly people can still share with us. Certainly, some are suffering from dementia, Alzheimer’s disease and other pathologies that limit their ability to communicate intelligently with us. And some are bitter and inaccessible. But there are many others who are quite alert and still wish to be helpful.

I encourage those reading this article to look old people in the eye. You might be amazed at how many have a spark of light shining through their wrinkled, distorted faces. Reach out your hand in friendship...it will literally make their day and give them renewed hope for the future of mankind. Take advantage of their willingness to help. With patience and persistence, you might find yourself gaining wisdom far beyond your years.

And remember, most everyone dies of old age infirmities; none of us can escape that reality if we live long enough. You may someday be like the old people you encounter. If so, you may find yourself alone and desperate for recognition. If you would want someone to reach out to you, then do the same for others as you live your life. More than likely, you will be glad you did, and so will they.

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