Blog #169--Pets and Their Owners Need an Equal Relationship

When I worked as a veterinarian in private practice, I was frequently amazed at how often pet owners would express feelings of dependency toward their pets. It became obvious they were thinking more how their pets could benefit them than the consequences of their dependency. Besides the harm pets can experience from an unbalanced relationship, people can harm themselves also.

An elderly woman brought in her pet parakeet to see me. Before stating the reason for the visit, she told me in no uncertain terms she would die if something happened to the parakeet. Fortunately, the bird seemed healthy despite a temporary reduction in appetite. The woman was dependent on the bird for friendship and partnership, but her fear of losing that relationship made her imagine illnesses that weren’t present.

If anything, the bird likely lacked self-confidence precisely because its owner was so fearful. That alone might cause a loss of appetite, but there was no way I could ease the woman’s fears. And fear is a stress that unbalances the body, making it more susceptible to all kinds of diseases. The woman needed more self-confidence, for herself as well as her bird.

Pet ownership is just one of many examples how a dependent relationship can cause us great harm. In terms of pets, most are more dependent on us than we are on them. Dogs especially are vulnerable because they are pack animals that create hierarchies with one leader and the rest followers.

If a dog is naturally dominant, it may become too independent and aggressive for most families. If we refuse to be consistent leaders for dogs more amenable to human leadership, we make them more fearful because they must then take over leadership. Since most of these dogs prefer to follow us, they may lack the natural instincts of a leader. As a result, they may require veterinary care for numerous maladies secondary to fear and stress.

Behavior problems are also predictable in these cases. Some fearful behaviors include reactive biting without purpose, tearing up furniture and inappropriate defecation and urination. If fear is pronounced, digging down into the floor is possible. If out on a walk with their owners, they might pull on their leads or scatter back and forth without purpose. There are many variations on this theme, but they all represent a lack of consistent human leadership in the home.

Some people are natural leaders for their dogs, producing a compatible relationship that some might mistakenly describe as a superior person dominating an inferior dog. Certainly, their relationship is compatible for both, but even the best follower dogs will eventually balk at leaders who don’t love them and care for them as they would themselves. The overriding energy perpetuating the relationship is one of an equal sharing of love, mutual respect and acceptance.

The average mixed breed cat has more self-confidence than the average dog, so it may resent our attempts to lead it or force it to behave in certain ways. If people resent cats, many cats will come up to them and try to dominate them by getting on their laps, shoulders, etc. If these people react by going to a greater extreme of anger and reactionary behavior, they might find urine or feces next to their heads when they wake up in the morning.

There are several reasons some people dislike cats. One big reason many of us are hesitant to admit is our inner fear a cat may be better than us. This is an instinctive reaction of a submissive, insecure person to a dominant, self-confident cat, inviting the cat to dominate the person to prove its lofty position in the family.

There is a way to prevent being dominated by cats, but it requires us to outsmart them. The key is to be secure enough to pretend the cat is superior to us so it won’t need to prove itself. That may be harder than it sounds for some, but it is well worth it. If reacting negatively toward a dominant cat causes it to be attracted to us, doing the exact opposite repels them. In other words, telling it how much we love it and want it to come up on our laps proves we are no competition for its self-image. Let the cat pretend it is superior to us; if we know we are just pretending, we have no need to feel inferior, and the cat has no need to prove its superiority.

Some of the pure bred varieties and highly submissive cats of all types may be naturally reactive and fearful of any strange movement or noise in its environment. These animals don’t need pampering, they need encouragement to face their fears and increase their self-confidence. This is a slow, pain-staking process, but it is necessary to prevent them from doing harm to themselves or suffering physical and emotional imbalances that require veterinary care.

We have many reasons for desiring a pet. We all benefit from the love, warmth and tenderness a pet can provide, often better than another person. Most of us like to have someone or something waiting for us at home after a difficult day at work. Perhaps we are lonely after our children have grown and moved out of the house (this is especially true for women whose maternal instincts are still active). Some of us wish to make extra spending money by breeding, selling and, and in some cases, showing our dogs competitively. The list is practically endless.

But despite the assumption many people make, animals are not here for our utility; they are not here for us to do with as we please. If anything, they are here to help us learn to open our hearts and develop spiritually. Many pets can demonstrate unconditional love toward us, something few if any of us can copy as successfully. Unconditional love requires accepting others for the way they are without conditions and without a need to change them. If animals can do that for us, they are confirming their willingness to see us as their equals.

It is then up to us to return the favor. That means treating our pets as our equals. If we neglect their physical and emotional needs, we are skirting our responsibility toward them. If we bully them at one extreme or become overly dependent upon them at the other extreme, we are harming both them and us. And we will not be able to develop a satisfying relationship with them.

It is not the purpose of this brief description to identify all types of behavioral situations that might arise with pet ownership. I have described more of this in my books “Dogs Need Our Love” and “It’s a Secret, So Pass It On: a Toolbox For Life.” But what is most important is for pet owners to awaken to what is really happening between them and their pets and change behaviors that might be inducing poor behavior or creating imbalances in their pets.

Love is the act of sharing love equally. If we love our pets, most will respond in kind. It is certainly worth making the effort, both for their sake and ours.

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