Blog #105: Sex Education Difficult Without Honesty

Many citizens of the United States feel sex education should be part of a school curriculum, but only 22 states plus the District of Columbia require public schools to teach it. Only 19 states require that any mandated sex education class must be “medically, factually or technically accurate,” even though that information is not standardized and accepted by everyone. Despite the threat of sexually transmitted diseases, only 33 of the 50 states require that students receive HIV/AIDS instruction.

Whether sex education is taught in public schools or not, there is no consensus as to what is taught, how it is taught, for whom it is permitted or excluded, and if parents should have a voice in creating the curriculum. This is no surprise since the general public is loathe to discuss the subject, and their opinions are as variable and confusing as any topic can be. Sexual reproduction is one of our two basic survival instincts, and many people are highly motivated both to think about it and engage in it. But like our ancestors, we still would rather keep our sexual knowledge and behavior hidden from others, including our children.

There are many factions competing for a voice in any discussion about sex, especially what our children should and should not be taught. Some people want their children to have all currently available information on how sexual reproduction works and under what circumstances it can be practiced safely. Some want their children to be totally ignorant on the subject. Some want only abstinence taught in school, although their motivations are mostly generated by their religious beliefs. Humans must reproduce for species survival, so they need to understand the process eventually. If not in schools and places of worship, then when and where?

The list of opinions on the subject of sex education is practically endless. It is not my place to show a preference of one over the others; we all must decide what is best for our particular needs. But that can be difficult since so many lies and distortions prevent clear understanding. We hear more about abstinence and the scare tactics some use to keep children inhibited from engaging their sexual instincts outside of marriage than many other choices available to us. People with the opposite point of view are often ignored or criticized for their alternate lifestyles. Please permit me to share two of the many stories that rarely get discussed or resolved.

I once knew a young woman who would become sexually aroused by simply touching her or looking directly into her eyes. Perhaps she had cystic ovaries, a problem that can cause nymphomania. Regardless, she couldn’t say no to any man. In a rare candid moment, she shared her life story with me. She began experimenting with her body at puberty and had become pregnant at the age of 15. She was sent to a home for unwed mothers and was required to give the child up for adoption. She lived in constant fear the child would someday find her and blame her for her actions.

Due to her religious upbringing, she became convinced she was guaranteed a spot in hell upon her passing. So she decided she might as well explore sex religiously. By the time she was 19, she was pregnant again. This was before the Roe v. Wade court case, so she sought a back alley abortion “doctor” some 500 miles from her home. As was typical in many of these cases, the abortionist required her to have sex with him before he would perform the abortion. Needless to say, this did nothing for her self-respect. From then until her passing in a car accident, she had three marriages and a constant string of extramarital lovers. No amount of sexual abstinence talk could have prevented her from a difficult life dominated by her extremely strong sexual urges.

In another case, a 14-year-old girl in a blended family was constantly in search of sexual experiences. Her mother and stepdad, recognizing their legal responsibility, hoped to prevent pregnancy at least until she turned 18 by limiting her dating. She resented any limits, and she disliked having a stepdad in her life who could help her mother reinforce family rules. Her parents agreed to let her attend a study group facilitated by a licensed psychologist to help teenagers with difficult family circumstances.

They hoped the group would help her accept having a stepdad, but she used it to gain sympathy and support for her dating desires from the psychologist. Her parents owned a store, and the psychologist was one of their customers. One day, she came to the store and asked to visit with the couple in their office. She proceeded to verbally assault the two for not letting their daughter explore her body. Again, the girl was only 14.

The parents were quite upset with this invasion of their privacy and the demands the psychologist made. But upon talking further with her, the psychologist admitted she had gotten pregnant at the age of 15. Isn’t it amazing how often people who make mistakes tend to encourage others to make the same mistakes? Like alcoholics who let their young children have alcoholic beverages, she wanted the teenager to have the same sexual freedom she enjoyed at the same age. This despite the fact she ended up regretting the consequences of her actions. As it turned out, the girl didn’t get pregnant by the age of 18, but it wasn’t for lack of trying.

Everyone has their own stories to tell and sexual biases to maintain. It is practically impossible to create a curriculum for sex education upon which the vast majority of parents, teachers and administrators can agree. That doesn’t mean we should drop sex from school curriculums, but that curriculum has to include the lies people tell as well as the truths. After all, many men and women will say most anything to pass along their genes to future generations.

If we really want our children to avoid sex until they are mature enough to handle the consequences, and if we really want a subject so important to all of us to be understood in all its complexity, then we must let down the barriers to open discussion and make reasonable decisions. If some people want to save themselves for marriage, more power to them. But in truth, the sexual instinct is extremely strong in most people. The inner voice telling us to have sex is often much stronger than the voice telling us to take a cold shower, and we need to acknowledge that reality. In the long run, sexual behavior is determined by our individual makeup, not by the fallacies taught by adults with agendas.

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