Blog #104--Children, Pets Need Love and Consistency

My father’s mother had her favorite grandchild, and she made no bones about it. She also had a least favorite grandchild, and that was me. She reminded everyone of her preferences on multiple occasions, and she completed her life by willing me half the money she gave her other grandchildren. Needless to say, I was always uncomfortable around her.

It is human nature to be more attracted to some than others, and I must have repulsed her from birth onward. Since likes repel, perhaps I reminded her of something she disliked about herself. Regardless, she had little credibility with me, and I was grateful when I didn’t have to spend time with her. She had a difficult life but overcame many hardships through hard work and intelligence. She might have served as a role model or teacher for me, but she only taught me what not to do when I had children. Had I lived with her other grandchildren, I might have resented those who received more favorable treatment.

As a veterinarian, I found this same dynamic with pets. If there was more than one pet in the family, one was often treated better than another. Or, various family members had different preferences, creating a polarizing effect on the pets. Pets establish hierarchies when left to their own devices, and there is usually a relative peace between them over time. But inconsistent treatment or interfering with natural pecking orders create all sorts of behavior problems and secondary physical woes.

Every animal and human wants to be treated fairly by those in charge of their survival. Many think they want to be treated better than others, but equality is a far better result than being treated in an inferior manner. If families want to reduce conflicts in their homes, whether between their children or pets, consistent treatment by all members of the family is essential. Treating them equally and fairly is an act of love that helps children and animals maintain self-confidence and the balance needed to remain healthy and happy.

It can be difficult to treat all pets or children equally at all times. Sometimes one gets a temporary advantage unavailable to the others, for a variety of reasons. The key then is to do something special for the rest to balance the equation. Perhaps one child gets a special treat when out alone with its parents. It is then important that the other children in the family get their turn. The same is true for pets.

My wife and I presently have two submissive female cats. Ivory can be vicious toward Ebony to maintain control over her. We can’t change Ivory’s nature, but we have improved Ebony’s confidence level so she can compete on more equal terms and not feel left out. For instance, Ivory wants to keep Ebony off our bed. Ebony tries to take advantage of any opportunity to spend time on the bed when Ivory isn’t around, but she fears Ivory’s advances when caught in the act.

Over time, we have encouraged Ebony to know she has as much right to the bed as Ivory, even though Ivory and my wife have a strong attraction to one another. And we have worked together to limit Ivory when meanness toward her sister becomes excessive. This has given Ebony more reason to hold her ground and Ivory more reason to share the bed with her. Both have benefitted.

Ivory is quite intelligent and aware when she wants to be. If I pet Ebony, even briefly as I walk past her, Ivory will later attack Ebony for getting something she didn’t get. Ivory doesn’t like me as much as my wife and normally acts like she could care less whether I pet her, but she expects me to pet her if Ebony gets some. So I try to find her and give her equal attention. Even when she’s in another room, she knows when Ebony is petted. I must be equally smart by finding her and giving her my love.

Love is much more than mere attraction to someone. Sometimes we must set limits on our children or pets so they won’t hurt themselves or others. Sometimes, we must prop up their confidence levels to prevent self-destruction. But in all cases, the idea is to treat them as we would wish to be treated. This means treating them as equals every day to preserve mutual trust and respect.

Equal treatment does not mean sharing an alcoholic beverage with a young child just because we have one. And it doesn’t mean giving table scraps to pets if it will make them sick or cause obesity. It means demonstrating daily they have an equal right to exist and an equal opportunity to experience the rewards of life to balance the difficulties. And it means encouraging their abilities and accepting their limitations. If we have more than one child or pet, it means treating them as equals to each other and to us. After all, we are sharing our lives with them.

Treating children and pets as equals prevents the negative chain reactions that can result when we play favorites. If we are consistent in our equalized relationship with them, we are providing the best possible environment for them to thrive in a difficult world.

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