Blog #91--Know Them Before Judging Them

There is an old Indian saying that goes something like this: “Never judge someone until you have walked a mile in his moccasins.” In other words, we might behave as they do if we are them under the same circumstances.

It is easy to claim we would never resort to the diabolical tactics of criminals, but we are not living their lives. Who knows how we might behave if we were them? What forces are at play to influence decisions they have to make? Any conclusions we draw are at best hypothetical. Since we are not them, it is impossible to judge them fairly. Of course, one need not resort to criminal activity to be judged unfairly.

As one of a number of examples, a young man I know married an attractive, charismatic woman whose stated goal was to make everyone like her. She was the life of any party, and most people thought she was wonderful. Other women wanted to be her friend, and other men envied her marriage partner. Unfortunately, they only knew how she behaved in public.

When her husband began to look for female companionship outside the home, others castigated him for his ignorance. How could he possibly prefer anyone else to the perfect woman he married? What they didn’t understand was that she could only turn on her charm part of the time. When away from a crowd, she became the exact opposite. She had to have her way on everything, and she was often demanding and cold toward her husband in private. Their sexual relationship was mostly nonexistent.

Perhaps the man was wrong for creating relationships with other women, but he needed love and respect, as we all do. He became increasingly insecure due to his wife’s attitude toward him. He couldn’t tell anyone about his relationship with her because no one would believe him. He tried to conform to her specifications, but some changes were impossible for him. As a result, he needed to find someone who loved him as himself. He finally sought a divorce, even though he lost all their shared friends as a result. He was much happier alone than with her.

In two other instances, men lost self-confidence when they discovered their wives preferred lesbian relationships to them. Both needed to reaffirm their masculinity, but they did it in different ways. Both were public figures, and their careers were damaged by revelations of their behavior.

In one case, a man began having affairs with other women, a common response to a difficult situation. He was criticized for his behavior and lost the trust and support of those who were dependent upon his services. He didn’t wish to announce his wife’s homosexual tendencies publicly because he felt it would cast a shadow over his masculinity, and he was raised to protect rather than attack women. He has a bad reputation to this day, but he still refuses to share the real reason for his adultery.

The other man was even more insecure and immature. Doubting his ability to attract women who might want a sexual relationship with him, he went to the extreme of becoming an exhibitionist. He gave himself a macho male alias, and he exposed himself to multiple women, hoping desperately to receive positive reinforcement.

Of course, such behavior had the opposite effect. He became a public laughing stock. He lost his job and his credibility. Would he have behaved this way if his wife had remained loyal to him? Perhaps. But it is just as possible he became maladjusted only after his wife’s preference for other women was exposed. To make matters worse, his wife was also a public figure, and he didn’t want to ruin her career. Plus, he knew the general public wouldn’t believe the rants of a man who had exposed himself in public.

A number of poor people must resort to illegal activities just to feed their families. Not all thieves are innately criminals. But if we are hungry enough, if our spouses and children are suffering, what won’t we do to help them? Even those who are highly spiritual, decent people might resort to criminal activity as a last resort. Is it fair for us to judge them the same as we might those who engage in criminal activity as a career?

These four examples barely touch the surface of behaviors society tends to judge negatively without knowing the entire story behind them. It is easy to claim superiority when we look at others from a distance. But if we are them, if we really do walk a mile in their moccasins, perhaps we find ourselves doing atypical things as well. Unless we find ourselves in the exact same situations, with the exact same set of background experiences, we have no right to pass judgment.

P.S. My book "It's a Secret, So Pass It On: a Toolbox For Life" is one year old today (9/3/15).

http://dreamtime3.wix.com/jacktuttlebook

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